Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
