for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
