I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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