He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
