we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
