So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
