I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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