Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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