I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
