When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
