the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
