I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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