they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
