so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
