You really coming over, don't trick.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize