1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
