I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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