I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
