I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
