yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
