He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
