I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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