Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
