real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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