I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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