Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
