Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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