So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
