It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
