ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
