You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
