I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
