Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
