I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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