Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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