do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
