Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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