Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
