I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
