They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
