i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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