There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
