i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
