It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she peed on how many people?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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