She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
