somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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