Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
