I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
