My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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