A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
