Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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