ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
