A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
