i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
