No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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