ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
