Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
