3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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