I wanna bring you to show and tell
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
