I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
