if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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